Acting Journal: Reflection on "top secret"

Acting Journal: Reflection on "top secret"

This was a very emotional scene for me to go through. First of all, I had a "medical discharge" as a missionary in 2002. A mormon missionary service is about military tier discipline, more or less, (with free time, and getting drunk/laid on the weekends against the rules)  I had some handy references to Roy, particularly as the ensuing PTSD/reliance on meds have had a severe effect on my relations with family in the ensuing years.

Also, my one of my younger brothers served as a reservist in the national guard, and was pulled into service in Iraq. While he did not see active combat, he was in some combat areas, as best as I can tell, which gave me additional personal context to work with. 

A further source of personal connection to roy, was the fact that if he wasn't able to find a place to stay during treatments, he was going to be homeless. I have had the displeasure of being in that exact situation on three separate occasions in my life. One of them I spent sleepless, malnourished and bleeding in an abandoned warehouse in Venezuela. Considering the physical consequences of Roy being homeless was anything but a theoretical consideration for me.

I felt that my Roy, was an physically and emotionally desperate person, desperately trying to keep his calm, despite being justly scared of the massive amount of physical danger that he had both left, and was currently in. Before he entered the door, I spent some time "locking in" the emotional states I had felt during a number of similar confrontations I have had since my mission. Arguments, conflicts, struggles, that had stakes of life, death, medication, emotional and physical safety. After that, I took the tone for my depiction of Roy on a moment-to-moment basis, particularly focusing on playing off of Mimi, who was playing Fay. Particularly memorable moments were the slamming down the letter in when angry at Fay for being "holier than thou" (my character was both angry, and scared of dying by the inaction of a sibling who he was all to prepared to assume was uncaring), and when Fay said "how can you joke about that" after he told her he had cancer, his sense of guard lowered as he realized that Fay was both willing, and wanting to help him sincerely. 

Overall, it was very cathartic to play as Roy, and it was also helpful in helping me to identify my own emotions, as well as feel more comfortable in trusting that they were valid.